Abracadabra. The Aramaic phrase abraq ad habra means “I will create as I speak.” It applies not only to what you say out loud, but also what you tell yourself.
-From SELF magazine, August 2010
Why am I so scared of what you’ll think of me? Is it because I’ve learned so much about you that I don’t think I compare? Or maybe, that I don’t think I’m lucky enough..to have you, that is. Maybe its a fear that when you realize how much better than me you are, you will leave me. I know I’ve hit jackpot, I just can’t bare the thought of bankruptcy. You make me want to be better. Hell, after what I’ve endured I’m just coming into the belief that I’m good..and then here you come along making me want to be even better. I don’t know what capabilities I possess. I can assess it in those around me but not in myself. Yet in some weird way, I do know my potential but I’m terrified to go there. Is there a such thing as a life phobia? Too many possibilities, too many expectations from others, success in levels you can’t handle or failure beyond rock bottom. What is it with you? Or should I say what is it with me. I don’t have the answers to anything, and I hate that you can see that. I don’t know how you see all of that and still love me. It makes no sense. I’m trying to get it together, I swear to you I am but I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. And actually, since everything else is just plain old..fucked up, I hold back from you in some ways because I’m too terrified to fuck us up. I have a failure phobia and it starts with you. And when you realize that there’s someone better out there…I’ll have to face that phobia, head on. And I dread that day.
I’ve always been the sustaining provider, the know-it-all, you name it in every relationship. I’ve always been the better one and now, for once, I’m not..and I have no idea how to handle it. All I know, is I don’t want you to ever go.
So understand my stage fright around you, yes, even one year later. Be compassionate when I tiptoe around you. Be knowledgeable of how much I love you. And don’t turn your heart against me if you find someone new. Know that I do all I do in love and fear of losing you.
I haven’t written in a while because as usual, there’s been a lot going on. Sometimes so much so that I can’t organize all my feelings to even put them down in words. I wrote a long, private entry entitled “Boyfriends are from Mars, & Best Friends are from Venus” detailing my feelings of now being in two back to back relationships in which my significant other and best friend don’t get along. It helped me organize some deep feelings of frustration that I felt neither party understood from my middle stand point, especially now going through this all over again. However, from that situation I’ve been reading a book called Energy Addict 101 which has just been stellar. I’m not sure what prompted me to do so, but I’ve been carrying a pen with me EVERYWHERE and scribbling in the book itself. Just breaking down and analyzing my life, habits-both good and bad, and much more.
It’s been a self application of therapy. It’s truly been advancing my mind and beliefs on positivity. I’ve always seen positivity as something fake most of the time, as something that comes and goes and cannot be chosen. I guess I view it as a matter of luck..some people are lucky, and others are just not. In slowly understanding and deciphering the basis of positivity, and storages within oneself of how it can be transformed is like so interesting to me. The knowledge that positivity is an ENERGY, that we all possess & by scientific fact energy can’t be destroyed it can only be transformed literally means that its just up to the person to transform the pre-existing energy.
The concept being so scientifically sound literally destroys my beliefs on positivity being an issue of luck or a creation of peoples fickle imaginations. I’ve felt a lot of people I know were creating positivity based on forcing light on something that was obviously bleak.
It’s just awesome to realize that positivity is inside of all of us, its just up to us to transform it.
And that, I can do….
Sometimes….your feelings are only worth expressing when u know they won’t fall upon deaf ears for its compassion you seek not selfish ignorance..
I’m trying to find the possible ways to explain to you how hurt I am by your words and actions but I fear more importantly, your lack of compassion..if that so be the case dare I not speak..
Today for the first time in over one year I went back to church. I awoke this morning aware that I hate a late shift at my retail job & for the first time in a really long I felt a calling…a pulling that I need to go to church this morning. For the two hours of mass and for the first time in probably a year I was able to hear my own heartbeat calmly. I feel anxiety all day, every day & for two precious hours I had not a drop of anxiety. It actually hit me like a shock I had no idea..I actually forgot what its like to not be anxious. It was euphoric. Literally..no fears, no worries, my heart not running like a jack rabbit, normal breathing that I actually don’t have to coach myself through like I do..all day, every day..
Maybe its a sign..when I left, an hour or so later when it became clear I’d be missing my fathers’ 50th birthday party due to work and the frustration fueled the anxiety and I guess it all returned. For the rest of the day today I’ve had knots in my stomach..like I do..all day, every day. I’ve been coaching myself through breathing..like I do all day, every day. The persistent thoughts, the worry over things I can’t control & just sitting and dwelling in them. It was so beautiful to not feel that way and I forgot what peace..real peace, feels like. Now that its over and I’m back to the plaguing feelings and terrible anxiety and I long desperately for the feeling of peace again.
How did I get this way…to the point of having panic attacks and suffering from constant anxiety? I feel so uncomfortable literally all the time. Like the feeling of NOT being stressed out is foreign to me and I hate that. If there’s anything that I truly hate is the feeling that peace is a feeling that’s foreign to me and my body. It makes me feel so saddened and more depressed inside. Never mind the fact that the All-Star & I have a complicated love, all I do is dwell on how hard I’ve been trying to get a new job but actually in the field of a career and how desperately I want financial change to create stability and a life for myself and absolutely nothing is happening. I’m watching good fortune come to everyone else around me in running their lives and that’s all I can do..sit and watch as if it were a movie. While I watch my own life..a failure and mockery. No wonder the All-Star won’t take it to the level we both want it to be..because I have nothing to contribute. Nothing besides looks. I’m so fed up of not having my own of anything or being able to provide for myself. People always say, “if you can’t take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of anyone else?”. I can’t plan for kids, or a home, or a marriage because I have nothing to support any of those things…
When I was in church, a familiar passage was read: “Let not your heart be troubled, for I have gone to prepare a place for you..in my Father’s house, there are many rooms..”.
I dwell on it because, if I believe what I do believe and that there is a better, happier place prepared for me as per written in the bible, then why exactly would I want to continue suffering on Earth? There are many rooms, but there’s one prepared for ME and that’s what matters. Ironically, why in the hell would I want to stay here? Dealing with this constant anxiety…..and I know that there’s better for me when I leave this life..
I’m not sure why that isn’t the mind frame of ALL people on Earth, but hey, I guess I’m cool with “getting it”.
I just want peace…….and I long for the peace I experienced earlier today..
A feeling that was familiar to me once upon a time…and if that feeling could somehow be permanent, as it’s promised via the bible then that’s all we as people should all want…
I just want it..now.
I’m not sure how exactly to write all the things I’m feeling without sounding a bit…callous. Then again, if this is the only forum in which I can’t be judged and I can write what my heart may feel then so be it. Thus the point of me writing anyway…
I’m entering what I dont want to say feels like, but more so is, a different phase of life. Lately, I’ve felt very alone in that walk of life but I guess enter the harsh phrase “born alone, die alone”, here.
I don’t have a career.
I’m trying to find where I belong, and I’m coming into the realization that I don’t have as much time as I think I do. I’m 24. I don’t have a career, nor car, still live with my parents…where will I be in 5 years? I’m actually serious about pulling it altogether. Not hoping and waiting to see if it’ll come together on its own but make it come together. My party days aren’t over…or who knows, maybe they are.
I want more. I need more.
The all nighters at the bars, and rounds of shots isn’t appealing to me anymore. Dating the All-Star makes me realize just how much more badly I want to get married. Even before that, there’s places I want to go and see……I’ve been trying to find company to go with me to Miami..the Dominican Republic…Las Vegas, you name it. All these places and do some things that most people my age have already done. When I have a child, I’m not going to be able to pack up and GO anywhere. I’m realizing that as much as it may not be the greatest of fun to do things solo, I can’t keep making plans with people and then wait around for them to make things happen. What will happen is, I’ll be stuck here waiting and never get there. So I was originally shooting for Miami for the end of August, and because I want to go, I’m sticking to it. I’m not sure if its going to work out financially but I’m still going to try my hardest and if not, before the years end I’m going to go to Miami for a weekend.
I’ve been doing small talk with a Life Coach named Anna. I’m trying to find an editorial job, or career rather. See where I can get in, start to make waves and if it’ll be possible to make a decent enough salary to support not just myself but any children I might have in the next 5 years. I’ve slowly been spending more time with the All-Star’s child to see if I can actual handle it. Just little steps to see if all that I’m starting to want: the marriage, the kids, the stability is really all something I can handle. I’ve stopped consuming alcohol, upped my fruit intake and after years of loathing, actually now love drinking water. These simplified changes and not going out and mindlessly partying in the last month and I’ve lost 6 pounds…with barely any exercise.
Just seeing results in the small changes is really pushing me to make bigger ones…..and I’m realizing I may lose some things and friends along the way but I have to start creating the life I’ve been dreaming of and stop waiting and praying and hoping it’ll just happen. I’ve been doing that for so long, and if something was going to happen it would’ve happened already.
It must be time for me to take matters into my own hands…
“I’m trippin off the power..”-Kanye West
I was tripping in my case over the lack thereof.. Its hard to define “power”. Power can be physical as well as mental because it possesses its own energy or the ability to fill someone with energy. Not just fill, in a negative respect it can strip someone of their energy as well. Look at how a loss of power can bring someone down to their knees in depression. Power, oddly enough is a powerful ass thing. Its controlling and freeing simultaneously and that’s what invokes curiosity and fear.
I haven’t written in this blog for a month…I had to disappear for awhile. The lack of power had consumed me and brought me to my knees with despair and when I truly thought I couldn’t get any lower, low and behold, it did. I thought when I had left off from here that I had come across this great thing in redirecting my focus in creating my world. That okay, now that I’m knowledgeable as to what apart of my problem is and I have a focused method to attack it I must be moving in the right direction. As soon as I started to move, inspired, I got so knocked over that I couldn’t write.
To be real, there was nothing to write about because all I wanted more than anything for the last month was to die. I had wished that I would’ve drank something I wasn’t supposed to..gotten hit by a car…something to end this as opposed to me ending it myself..by my own hand. So all the stress of everything literally started to reflect itself in my health and my physical thyroid issues started to escalate by what felt like a million…..
And it seemed like not only was no one listening to what I was saying, whenever I did have something to say..but that also no one could understand where I was coming from. So I was just finished…straight up started writing a will finished…but randomly, one of the last people I was expecting to contact me, did. Though I was only able to sum up just a portion of how I was feeling this is what I managed to say:
“…I’ve projected half of it…that part I’ve projected onto myself, health wise..a bit onto my new bf but we have the deepest conversations ever so we’re 300% understood & a little bit unto my best friend..seeing that I’ve been doing all these things I’ve started to retract from the public, her included & started fully projected it unto my health..my thyroid is back into the stages of when I was at SUCO & first diagnosed & was just sleeping 1800hrs a night & still feel lethargic all day, ravenous appetite that’s never satisfied, no sex drive etc……it feels so debilitating to say you have all these physical problems at age 24 & what I listed is the tip of the iceberg in terms of what I’m feeling. There are days my thyroid is so fucked up that I literally wake up in bed, my brain is fully awake..eyes open but I’m literally physically paralyzed. I beg & will my body just to pick the head up off the pillow or even to roll from my back unto my side..& I’m literally paralyzed from the eyes down. When I’m like that, I can’t speak..my lips don’t move, I can’t command my own voice even though in my brain I’m screaming..idk its been a lot of terrible physical demand that I truly feel a lot of people don’t understand & sometimes people make mean comments to me stating I’m just lazy & not hearing me out. So..I stopped speaking about it altogether..let niggas think what they want & stay alone.. and then like I was telling u..financially my situation hasn’t altered in nearly a year so it was like 1 year of getting everything l needed..a job with a great salary, vacations, getting a car, taking care of all the basic necessities & just when I was really getting ready to play catch up & start looking for an apartment & REALLY have life on lock I lost everything in sequence. Matt, job, money, car..and everything has been in shambles since..which the stress of that has only worsened my health to mix with no job= no health insurance=no synthetic thyroid medication..so its been a trying year & I’m just fed up and beyond exhausted in every humanly way possible…”
And that’s what it’s been over the last month…the imbalance of power, or me having none whatsoever has finally taken its full toll. I mean, with no power, what are you worth really..you can’t be anything with nothing supporting what you are.
I mean…“I guess every superhero needs his theme music”…….
I think I’ve finally had the epiphany I’ve been searching for..
For years almost…
And I’m going to try and make this make as much sense as humanly possible…
Everyone has their own world.
Their own private place between mind and earth that constitutes as their own world. Nothing can interfere with it, and based on our distinct personalities nothing can deviate us from this “world” we create for ourselves once its established. We can enter it, at will, with or without prompt.
And I’m starting to feel that in a small part, people lose part of their mentally stability when they lose a sense of their world.
For example, you always hear stories about women who have been divorced who half of them say, after their husbands left them..they just weren’t able to go on. To me, this is because when you love someone, you incorporate them as part of your world. Sometimes, we love people so much that they become your whole world and when things unfortunately in some cases fall apart, there it all goes..your world, has now collapsed. You’ve 100% lost all sense of YOURSELF. The unique, dynamic individual that is yourself, and what you like, your hobbies, your talents, etc.
Marriage has caused one of the parties to conform FULLY to the others world, and that’s not a healthy marriage. Marriage is two whole individuals that come together to further bring out the good in one another, not the horrible misconception that one party is incomplete and needs the OTHER person in order to be whole. God has already made each and every last one of us, whole.
Then, there’s a healthy world. A world composed of your own hobbies, desires, talents. These things are simply, your own. Not one human on this earth can take it away from you. Christina Aguilera has always described her “world” as singing..whenever her father would beat her or her mother, she would retreat to her room and sing and it transports her mind to another place. This talent, is part of her world..the only way to remove this is if someone were to hold her down and remove her vocal cords.
What I am realizing, after many a tear shed, is that my mental instability is caused by an absence of a world. I’m actually a very talented artist, and whenever I had a moment’s worth of free time on my hands, I would have a pencil in hand. My focus in high school was art. My mother has pictures that I’ve drawn since age 3, and kept them because she saw something in them that might suggest the talent. I started song writing at age 12. If I wasn’t drawing, I was song writing. In the midst of my last relationship, my last job, my arrest..I think over the last 4 years, I’ve lost sense of my world. I think I’ve been so consumed in one person as well as several negative events that I’ve truly lost sense of my world.
I drew for the first time in years…last week.
I can’t tell the last time I’ve written a song. You know what else dawned on me? I like to cook…a lot. I hate being commanded to do it, but me..at my own will, I have a blast cooking. I can’t hula hoop. I want to be able to hula hoop as well as any 7 year old girl. When’s the last time I’ve rode a bike? Or sat on a swing? Dancing is something else I’ve always been really good at, since childhood..why aren’t I in a dance school? I want to take pole dancing lessons more than anything..and I want to get super excellent at it. I used to enjoy working out, and did Taebo twice a day..now, I loathe the idea. For a long time, I only listened to neo-soul and alternative rock..only. I can’t remember the last time I listened to either. Drawing soothes me, it keeps my mind off of emotional eating and thinking about things outside of my control..which also is the same effect when I’m cooking. I love Japanese. Everything about the culture and the language. And I love writing in this blog.
My whole world now, is worry. I stay home, inside my own head, and cry endlessly. Panic over all the things I can and cannot control. The only thing I’ve been consistent with in the last 3 years, has been this very blog.
I’ve been a part of everyone’s world except my own.
This idea that to fix all my own problems, get past my own things, to get someone like me, all these things in order to adapt I had to become part of your world.
And I’ve been doing this unconsciously for years…
So I’ve spent so much time conforming to what is going on situation wise as well as to who I was dating that I’ve lost 308% of who I am..what I like…what I want.
So that’s just it..when I’m alone, no one or nothing to conform to..no stereotypes, or ideals to live up to or fulfill there’s nothing.
I’m empty.
I let everything drain out over the years.
And there’s nothing left…just traces of things that used to exist that consisted of the definition of me.
So I now see where the true problem lies……
I have to build my own world, my own sanctuary that consists solely of me. I have to rebuild upon what I’ve lost, and add onto what exists so that a world in full is established.
So no matter who may come or go in my life, or what situation befall me..I will always be a part of my own world.
This is getting my mind back slowly to where it should be…
Praise the Lord..
